Why Men Hide Their Feelings

Most men are never directly told, “Don’t feel anything.” But they are shown it. In a thousand subtle and not-so-subtle ways—through childhood expectations, peer pressure, media, and even well-meaning parents—they learn that expressing emotion, especially anything vulnerable, is risky business. It might make you seem soft. It might make people uncomfortable. It might make you uncomfortable. And so, many men learn to shut it down.

Not because they don’t feel things. They do. Deeply. But they’re taught to channel it differently—to “suck it up,” push through, distract themselves, or turn it into something else entirely. Anger is often the only acceptable emotion in the toolbox. It's socially sanctioned, even admired, while sadness, fear, and grief are often buried under layers of sarcasm, withdrawal, or silence.

This emotional suppression doesn’t just go away. It builds.

When emotions are stuffed down long enough, they don’t disappear—they morph. What might start as shame becomes irritability. What was sadness turns into detachment. Stress becomes restlessness, anxiety, or even physical symptoms like headaches, tight shoulders, or chronic fatigue. The body keeps the score, and eventually, it shows up: in relationships that feel stuck, in the inability to connect deeply, in sudden bursts of anger that don’t quite match the situation.

So why do so many men hold it in?

Because from a young age, they’ve absorbed the message that emotions equal weakness. That being “emotional” is something women do. That if you show pain, you’re giving someone a weapon to use against you. These messages are outdated—but they're still powerful.

And yet, the truth is this: it’s not weak to feel. It’s human.

Think about the courage it takes to be real. To sit with sadness instead of numbing it. To say, “I’m scared,” instead of pretending you’re fine. To open up in a world that constantly tells you to close off. That’s not weakness. That’s strength that’s honest.

There’s also a kind of loneliness that comes with never showing what’s under the surface. Many men feel it but don’t always name it. It’s that feeling of being surrounded by people and still not known. Of wanting connection but not knowing how to bridge the gap. Because connection doesn’t come from being perfect—it comes from being real.

Opening up doesn’t mean breaking down. It doesn’t mean crying on cue or sharing everything with everyone. It means allowing yourself to notice what’s happening inside. To admit when something hurts. To talk to someone—a partner, a friend, a therapist—before it becomes too big to manage.

It also means unlearning the idea that emotional awareness makes you “less of a man.” Because the real damage isn’t in the feeling itself—it’s in the hiding. That’s where the shame festers. That’s where the relationships break. That’s where men begin to feel stuck in a version of themselves they don’t recognize.

The truth is, every man carries emotional weight. Some are just better at pretending it’s not there. But pretending isn’t coping—it’s postponing.

Men deserve better than silence. They deserve better than isolation masked as strength. And the people who love them? They deserve to know the full version—not just the part that’s calm, competent, and controlled. But also the part that struggles, questions, feels deeply.

Because that’s where connection lives.

You don’t have to fix everything overnight. But you do have to stop pretending you don’t feel anything. That version of masculinity is hollow and exhausting. Real strength—lasting, grounded strength—comes from being willing to look inward, to show up honestly, and to know that there’s nothing soft about emotional courage.

It might just be the most solid thing there is.

When Staying Informed Starts to Hurt: The Challenge of Balancing News and Mental Health

When Staying Informed Starts to Hurt: The Challenge of Balancing News and Mental Health
By Daniel Walters, LPC

There’s a fine line many of us are trying to walk these days—staying informed about what’s happening in the world without feeling consumed by it. As a therapist, this is a conversation I’ve had with so many clients lately. People want to be aware, to care, to engage. But they also find themselves exhausted, anxious, and emotionally flooded by the nonstop flow of distressing news.

And honestly, I get it. I’ve wrestled with this balance myself. There’s a sense of responsibility in knowing what’s happening around us—social issues, world events, politics, public health. But when every scroll or headline leaves you feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, it’s worth asking: how much is too much?

The truth is, our nervous systems weren’t designed to absorb a constant stream of tragedy, outrage, and crisis 24/7. We’re wired to respond to threat—but not to carry the emotional weight of global suffering on a daily basis. When we’re exposed to relentless updates, especially with graphic images or emotionally charged commentary, it can trigger something called “vicarious trauma.” It’s not just sadness or worry—it’s a deeper kind of emotional fatigue that impacts our ability to function well in our own lives.

But the solution isn’t necessarily to shut everything out either. That can bring its own discomfort—guilt, disconnection, or fear of being uninformed. So what do we do? How do we care about the world without losing ourselves in the process?

Here’s what I’ve learned—and what I often suggest to clients:

1. Set boundaries around consumption.
You don’t need to check the news first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. In fact, that’s often when we’re most vulnerable to anxiety and rumination. Choose one or two reliable sources, and decide when and how often you’ll check in. Maybe it’s 10 minutes in the afternoon with your coffee—not a constant stream throughout the day.

2. Notice how your body responds.
Pay attention to the signs that you’re getting overstimulated—tight chest, shallow breath, racing thoughts, irritability. Your body is giving you feedback. It’s okay to pause, step away, and come back later (or not at all that day).

3. Balance heaviness with grounding.
If you’re absorbing hard news, balance it out with something grounding or nourishing afterward—go outside, talk to a friend, play music, stretch, breathe deeply. Your emotional bandwidth isn’t unlimited; it needs replenishment.

4. Choose action over doom-scrolling.
When something really affects you, ask yourself if there’s a way to take action—whether that’s donating, volunteering, voting, or having conversations in your community. Taking a small step often feels more empowering than endlessly absorbing pain with no outlet.

5. Give yourself permission to disconnect sometimes.
You’re allowed to take breaks. It doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re protecting your capacity to keep caring in a sustainable way.

I say this often: caring deeply isn’t the problem. Burning out from the weight of caring without boundaries is. It’s okay to tend to your mental health while still being an engaged, compassionate human in the world.

So if you’re feeling that tension lately—between tuning in and tuning out—you’re not alone. You’re just human. And you’re allowed to protect your peace while still holding space for what matters.

Breaking Free from Procrastination: Why We Delay and How to Start Moving Forward

Procrastination isn’t laziness. It’s a complex dance between our emotions, habits, and the tasks we face. At its core, procrastination is often a form of avoidance—avoiding discomfort, fear of failure, or even the overwhelming emotions tied to a large project. The irony is that delaying doesn’t make those feelings disappear; instead, it intensifies stress and creates a cycle of guilt and avoidance.

One of the most common misconceptions about procrastination is that we simply lack willpower or motivation. But research shows that procrastination isn’t about a lack of effort—it’s often tied to our emotional responses. For instance, perfectionism plays a significant role. When we fear that our efforts won’t measure up, it’s easier to avoid starting altogether than risk falling short of our expectations.

Another culprit? Feeling overwhelmed. Facing a huge task, like completing a major work project or tackling a cluttered house, can leave us paralyzed. Our brains crave simplicity, and when something feels too complex or unmanageable, procrastination becomes a protective mechanism.

So how do we break the cycle? The key lies in small, actionable steps. Procrastination thrives on avoidance, but progress—even the tiniest bit—creates momentum.

Exercise to Try: The 10-Minute Rule

One of the most effective ways to combat procrastination is the 10-Minute Rule. It’s a simple, low-pressure way to trick your brain into starting. Here’s how it works:

1. Pick a task you've been avoiding. Choose something that feels like a mental roadblock. It could be answering emails, writing a report, or cleaning a messy drawer.

2. Set a timer for 10 minutes. The rule is that you only have to work on the task for 10 minutes. That’s it. You can stop after the timer goes off if you want to.

3. Dive in. During those 10 minutes, focus entirely on the task. Don’t worry about perfection—just aim for progress.

4. Reassess after 10 minutes. When the timer ends, ask yourself: Do I want to continue? If yes, set another 10 minutes. If not, stop and celebrate the fact that you’ve taken a step forward.

Why does this work? It lowers the psychological barrier to starting. Tasks feel more manageable when you know you’re only committing to a short burst of effort. Often, once you get started, the momentum carries you forward, and what seemed like overwhelming emotions becomes achievable.

Procrastination doesn’t disappear overnight, but small shifts in how we approach our tasks can create powerful results. By experimenting with the 10-Minute Rule, you may find yourself taking the first steps toward breaking the cycle and reclaiming your productivity—one manageable moment at a time.

Navigating School Breaks for Parents of ADHD Kids

By Drew Cleary

Navigating School Breaks for Parents of ADHD Kids

The upcoming school break can be both a relief and a challenge for parents of kids with ADHD. Without the structure of school, days may feel chaotic, and kids’ high energy or difficulty with transitions can make managing time more challenging. However, with a bit of planning and mindfulness, you can create a break that balances fun, structure, and calm.

1. Create a Flexible Routine

While it’s tempting to let schedules go entirely during breaks, ADHD kids often thrive on structure. Establish a flexible daily routine that includes wake-up times, meals, playtime, screen time, and bedtime. Leave room for spontaneity, but provide predictability. Even a loose plan helps kids feel secure and reduces their anxiety about what’s next.

2. Incorporate Physical Activity

Many kids with ADHD have a lot of energy, and school breaks can mean less opportunity to burn it off. Make time for physical activity every day, whether it’s a trip to the park, a trampoline session, or even a family dance party. Movement helps regulate emotions, reduce hyperactivity, and improve focus.

3. Offer Choices and Involve Your Child

ADHD kids often resist being told what to do, so involve them in planning activities. Provide options: “Would you like to build a fort or bake cookies?” This gives them a sense of control while staying within boundaries you’ve set.

4. Manage Screen Time Mindfully

While screens can provide a break for parents, too much unstructured screen time may overstimulate kids with ADHD. Set clear limits, but don’t demonize screens—use them as a tool. Consider educational apps or shows that align with your child’s interests and provide breaks from passive viewing with interactive activities.

5. Build in Quiet Time

Breaks can be overstimulating for everyone. Create moments of quiet time during the day, whether it’s a cozy reading session, mindfulness exercises, or creative activities like drawing. For ADHD kids, this downtime can be essential for emotional regulation.

6. Set Realistic Expectations

Finally, remember that no break is perfect. Embrace the messiness, celebrate small wins, and prioritize connection over perfection. By focusing on creating a balance of structure, activity, and rest, you can turn the school break into a time for growth and enjoyment—for both you and your child.

With these strategies, you can navigate the school break with confidence, helping your ADHD child thrive while creating meaningful memories together.

How to Answer "What If" Thoughts

How to Answer “What If” Thoughts

“What if I fail?”

“What if something goes wrong?”

“What if I regret this decision?”

If you’ve ever wrestled with “what if” thoughts, you know how relentless they can feel. They sneak in during quiet moments, looping endlessly, convincing you that if you could just find the right answer, the worry would stop. But here’s the truth: no amount of thinking will ever completely silence these questions.

The key to handling “what if” thoughts isn’t about solving them—it’s about believing you can handle whatever happens, even if your fears come true.

Why “What If” Thoughts Are a Trap

“What if” thoughts thrive on uncertainty. They reflect your desire for control, pushing you to imagine every possible outcome so you can avoid mistakes or surprises. But the more you try to answer them, the more elusive the answers become.

For example, if you think, What if I make the wrong decision? and try to reassure yourself, your brain might counter with more doubts: But what if I regret it later? What if something unexpected happens? Seeking reassurance doesn’t solve the problem; it deepens the cycle, leaving you feeling even less certain.

The Solution: Trusting Yourself to Handle Uncertainty

Instead of trying to resolve “what if” thoughts by finding the perfect answer, shift your focus to what you can control—your ability to cope. The truth is, no one can predict every outcome or avoid every challenge. But you can remind yourself: I am capable of handling whatever happens.

This mindset builds confidence and breaks the power of “what if” thoughts. When you trust your ability to adapt, those questions lose their urgency. They no longer demand answers because you’re no longer afraid of the unknown.

Practical Steps to Handle “What If” Thoughts

1. Acknowledge the Thoughts Without Engaging

2. When a “what if” thought arises, label it for what it is: a thought, not a fact. Say to yourself, This is my mind trying to prepare me for uncertainty, and let it pass without diving into it.

3. Shift the Focus to Resilience

4. When you feel tempted to seek reassurance, pause and ask, How have I handled uncertainty before? What strengths have I shown in difficult times? Use those memories to reinforce your belief in your ability to adapt.

5. Practice Accepting Uncertainty

6. Instead of trying to eliminate uncertainty, remind yourself that life is unpredictable, and that’s okay. Repeat affirmations like, I don’t need to know all the answers right now or I can trust myself to face whatever comes.

7. Let Go of Reassurance-Seeking

8. If you find yourself asking others for validation or replaying scenarios in your head, stop and redirect your energy. Seeking reassurance feels comforting in the moment, but it teaches your brain that “what if” thoughts are important and need solving. Instead, practice sitting with the discomfort and reminding yourself that you don’t need reassurance to move forward.

Why This Approach Works

The more you focus on answering “what if” thoughts, the more anxious you feel—because uncertainty can never be fully resolved. But by shifting your mindset from solving the question to trusting your ability to handle the outcome, you take back control.

Confidence doesn’t come from having all the answers; it comes from knowing you can face challenges, even if things don’t go as planned. The next time a “what if” thought pops up, remind yourself: I don’t need the perfect answer. I just need to trust myself.

By letting go of the need for certainty, you’ll find the clarity and freedom to move forward, no matter what happens.

Are you a highly sensitive person?

Understanding Highly Sensitive People: Insights from Dr. Elaine Aron’s Research

Have you ever been told, “You’re too sensitive,” or felt overwhelmed by bright lights, loud noises, or intense emotions? If so, you might relate to the concept of being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Dr. Elaine Aron introduced this idea in her groundbreaking book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. Her research has helped millions of people understand that sensitivity isn’t a flaw but a trait—and one that comes with incredible strengths.

What Does It Mean to Be Highly Sensitive?

According to Dr. Aron, being highly sensitive is a biologically based trait found in about 15-20% of the population. This trait, called Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), means your nervous system is more finely tuned to subtleties in your environment.

HSPs often experience:

• Deep Processing: You think deeply about experiences, decisions, and emotions, making you reflective and insightful.

• Emotional Intensity: You feel emotions more deeply—both joy and sorrow.

• Overstimulation: Busy or chaotic environments can quickly become overwhelming.

• Empathy and Intuition: You pick up on others’ feelings and unspoken cues easily.

• Sensitivity to Subtleties: You notice small changes in your environment that others might overlook.

The Strengths of Being Highly Sensitive

While being an HSP comes with its challenges, it also brings unique strengths:

• Creativity: Many HSPs excel in creative fields because of their ability to think deeply and see connections others might miss.

• Empathy: Your heightened awareness of emotions makes you an exceptional listener and a compassionate friend or partner.

• Attention to Detail: Whether it’s at work or in your personal life, you notice subtleties that can make a big difference.

• Intuition: HSPs often have strong gut instincts and can read situations and people with remarkable accuracy.

Navigating Challenges as an HSP

Of course, being highly sensitive isn’t always easy. The world can feel too loud, too fast, or too demanding. Here are some strategies inspired by Dr. Aron’s book to help HSPs thrive:

• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize rest, downtime, and activities that help you recharge. HSPs need more time to recover from overstimulation.

• Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to situations or commitments that drain you. Protecting your energy is essential.

• Create a Soothing Environment: Surround yourself with calming colors, sounds, and scents that help you feel grounded.

• Embrace Your Sensitivity: Instead of fighting your nature, learn to see it as a gift. Dr. Aron encourages HSPs to recognize their value and strengths.

• Seek Support: Connecting with other HSPs or a therapist who understands this trait can be incredibly validating.

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Curious if you might be an HSP? Dr. Aron developed a self-test to help people identify this trait. You can take the test here.

Why This Knowledge Matters

Understanding high sensitivity can transform how you view yourself—or someone you love. It shifts the narrative from “I’m too much” to “I’m just wired differently, and that’s okay.”

As Dr. Aron emphasizes, “The world needs highly sensitive people—people who feel deeply, think deeply, and notice the things others overlook. Your sensitivity is your strength.”

Ready to Explore More?

If you resonate with the idea of being an HSP, Dr. Aron’s book is a fantastic resource for diving deeper. And as a therapist, I’m here to help you explore what being an HSP means for you personally. Together, we can uncover strategies to help you navigate the challenges and embrace the gifts of sensitivity.

Feel free to reach out—I’d love to support you on your journey.

Why Teens Avoid: Understanding and Supporting Change

By Drew Cleary

Teen boys often avoid problems—whether it’s skipping tough conversations, procrastinating on assignments, or shutting down when things get tough. While this can be frustrating for parents, understanding why teens avoid challenges is key to helping them develop healthier coping strategies.

Why Avoidance Happens

Avoidance is often a defense mechanism. Teen boys may fear failure, judgment, or vulnerability, especially when emotions or problems feel overwhelming. Societal pressure to “man up” can make it harder for them to confront difficult situations head-on.

The Impact of Avoidance

While avoidance may provide temporary relief, it leads to more complex problems later. Unresolved issues—whether academic, social, or emotional—tend to grow and worsen. Teens may feel guilty or ashamed for not addressing them, reinforcing a cycle of avoidance.

How to Help Your Teen

Create a Safe Space: Let your teen express themselves without judgment. Listening and validating their feelings helps them feel understood and supported.

Encourage Small Steps: Break down larger problems into manageable tasks. Small successes help build confidence in tackling bigger challenges.

Address the Fear of Failure: Reframe failure as a learning opportunity. Encourage effort over perfection to reduce the pressure to avoid mistakes.

Teach Emotional Regulation: Tools like deep breathing or mindfulness help teens process emotions rather than avoid them.

Model Healthy Problem-Solving: Teens learn by example. Show how to approach problems calmly and openly, demonstrating that challenges can be faced with resilience.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Avoidance is common but doesn’t have to define how a teen handles challenges. With patience, empathy, and the right tools, teens can learn to confront their issues head-on. If your teen is struggling, support is available to help them break free from avoidance and thrive.

Living with Adult ADHD

Modern life is chaotic; with endless notifications, multitasking, and ever-growing to-do lists, it’s normal to feel scattered at times. But for adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), this isn’t just a “bad day” or occasional forgetfulness. It’s an everyday challenge that can feel overwhelming and isolating.

If you’ve ever wondered why you struggle to focus, stay organized, or follow through on tasks, ADHD might be part of the picture. The good news? There’s a lot we can do to help.

What is Adult ADHD?

When people think about ADHD, they often picture hyperactive kids who can’t sit still. But ADHD in adults looks different. It’s less about bouncing off the walls and more about struggles with focus, organization, and managing time.

Some adults experience hyperactivity or impulsivity, but many primarily deal with inattention—difficulty focusing, remembering details, or following through on plans. For some, it’s something they’ve dealt with since childhood; for others, it becomes more noticeable as life’s demands increase.

Signs You Might Have ADHD

ADHD doesn’t look the same for everyone, but here are a few common signs:

• You zone out during conversations or lose track of details in meetings.

• You forget appointments, deadlines, or even where you left your keys—constantly.

• Your desk (and maybe your life) feels like organized chaos.

• You procrastinate or avoid tasks, especially if they require a lot of mental effort.

• You feel easily distracted by noise, notifications, or even your own thoughts.

• Small frustrations can feel overwhelming, making stressful situations even harder.

If some of these sound familiar, you’re not alone—and it’s not just a personality quirk.

How Adult ADHD Affects Daily Life

ADHD doesn’t just make life a little more hectic; it can impact your relationships, career, and emotional health:

At Work: Maybe you have amazing ideas but struggle to execute them. Deadlines slip by, emails pile up, and meetings feel like torture.

In Relationships: Your partner or family might feel frustrated when you forget plans or seem distracted, even though you care deeply about them.

Emotionally: Feeling like you’re always falling short can take a toll. Many adults with ADHD wrestle with anxiety, guilt, or a sense of underachievement.

It’s tough—but it’s also manageable.

What Can Help?

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but there are many ways to make life with ADHD easier and more fulfilling.

• Therapy can help you build skills to manage procrastination, stay organized, and navigate emotional ups and downs. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective.

• Medication is often helpful in improving focus and reducing distractibility. It’s not the only solution, but for many, it can be a game-changer.

• Daily Habits like exercising regularly, eating well, and practicing mindfulness can make a big difference. ADHD thrives on chaos, but routines can help you take back control.

• Support Systems matter. Whether it’s a support group, a coach, or a trusted therapist, having people who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly validating and helpful.

You might be tempted to brush off these challenges as just “how you are,” but you deserve to thrive, not just survive. ADHD doesn’t define you, and with the right tools and support, you can unlock your potential and live the balanced, fulfilling life you want.

Let’s Talk

If any of this resonates with you, you don’t have to figure it all out alone. As a therapist, I’ve worked with many adults navigating ADHD, and I’d be honored to help you, too. Together, we can create strategies that work for your life and highlight the unique strengths you bring to the table.

Feel free to reach out—I’d love to hear your story.

A harsh critique will never fuel growth

For many people who are in the midst of depression, their thoughts tend to focus on their mistakes or their lack of progress towards a goal. In fact, they will often beat themselves up for not getting out of bed, for lacking energy or for seeking isolation and comfort instead of pushing themselves.

The belief for many is that they should be trying harder and that beating themselves up with negativity and harshness will push them to get there. Furthering this belief is an idea that if they don’t beat themselves up, they will actually be accepting their behaviors or status quo.

The reality is that negativity, harshness and beating yourself up will never bring about lasting change; it will never be a proper motivator for long term growth.

The reason is because we are biased negatively towards ourselves. We ignore the positives, we ignore the reasons for our struggle and many people disregard the symptoms of depression as something they “should just push through”.

Self compassion

Instead of practicing a harsh critique, I suggest to start with self compassion and validation.

Dr Kristin Neff has an excellent book on self compassion that I recommend to all of my clients.

Self compassion starts by recognizing the difficult situation you are in first. It can be as simple as saying “I am really struggling right now” or by validating a specific part of that struggle for you. For example, if you have recently lost an important relationship you could say “Losing this important person in my life has been extremely hard for me and that makes it harder for me to have much energy or patience”

By slowing down and practicing self compassion you are stopping the harsh critique narrative that may be playing over and over again.

The problem I see most often with students. Part 2.

Opening the door

When facing a problem that is anxiety provoking, the scariest part is simply opening the door to face it and accept it. Knowing that it’s time to finally accept reality and pay the piper can be overwhelming. I empathize with anyone who is facing this situation and would encourage you to use some simple tools to help you.

This is where many of my male clients use avoidance and distractions to simply block out the problem.

The simple solution

The most common suggestion I make with students is to use a combination of a white board and a calendar for regular organization and maintenance. The student puts in tests, quizzes, homework or other projects into the calendar for the day they’re due and then uses a reminder for that “appointment”. This must be repeated and accepted in order to see success. If you don’t use it, it won’t work.

The white board has some flexibility for how the student decides to use it. I like the white board in particular for those trying to avoid due to how hard they are to hide. If you have a 3 foot x 3 foot white board sitting on a students desk or even better, hanging up on their wall, it will be highly visible and difficult to avoid.

The white board can be a to-do list for the week, it can be simply big picture goals, detailed reminders, even encouraging ideas. The student can use it how they see fit, but they must use it. If the white board has nothing new on it, then it’s not being used.

The last recommendation I make is for the student to have a dedicated work time at home for a particular time. I often recommend 45 to 90 minutes after school in a public setting (kitchen table, dining room, Starbucks, library, etc). This is the time to actually do the work and get it done or figure out what’s next.

And that’s (basically) all there is to it! It’s so simple.

I am shocked at how successful the combination of these tools have been for my clients. I have seen it fully transform students who were previously drowning in work and depression to being able to feel freedom and peace.

This minor amount of planning and structure is easy enough to implement for students and allows for their brains to not be worried about what they might have forgotten while also not avoiding work either.

Do you have questions about implementing this plan? Please feel free to reach out!

The problem I see most often with students. Part 1.

I’ve been a therapist now for going on 8 years and one of the most common issues I see with students is a lack of organization, that leads to procrastination and avoidance that leads to anxiety that leads to depression.

It’s a classic. I know it well because it’s exactly what I used to do.

The start of this cycle generally happens due to a student’s ability to skirt by in middle school or early high school with no real organization or structure. Often times there are a few “uh oh” moments that require staying up late to finish an assignment or just forgetting an assignment entirely. Then as years roll on, instead of creating a strategy, the student simply carries on as normal.

As time goes on and class demands increase, the avoidance increases in an effort to deal with the incoming pressure but this also simultaneously creates more anxiety.

Think about if you knew there was a pipe leaking in your house somewhere and you just decided to ignore it and go watch a movie. If you really tried to distract yourself, you could probably have moments where you’re engaged with the movie and fully forgetting about the leaky pipe. But, you would also likely have sudden sharp pains of extreme anxiety.

To stick with the same metaphor, let’s say this is what the student is facing. If the student decides after avoiding for weeks to finally tackle the problem, he or she will likely be facing a flooding, nearly unstoppable problem where water is pouring down all around them. This is where the depression comes in and brings on feelings of hopelessness. At a certain point, if a student has avoided work for long enough or they have been fighting an un-winnable battle, they are likely feeling hopeless and just give up.

All of this can be avoided by having a few simple tools for students to use.

Part 2 coming soon!

Mental health for LGBT teens

Drew Cleary, LAPC, NCC
October 21, 2021

Being a teenager is already difficult. It’s the time of life when a teenager is beginning to make decisions about identity: who am I? Who do I want to be? What will my friends think of me? What will my parents think of me? Not to mention the fact that teens also have to balance schoolwork, after-school activities, and maybe even jobs. It gets tough. Add on top of that issues with sexuality and gender identity. That’s a lot to have to carry.

Mental health issues in the LGBT population are already higher than those for straight people [1]. These mental health issues include depression and anxiety which can be made worse by the fact that LGBT people also experience discrimination [1]. These issues are also higher for LGBT youth [2]. Teens who are out at school can face greater rates of discrimination and victimization [2]. However, when adults think back to their teenage years, they are glad they came out when they did [2]. So what can we as adults do to help our LGBT teens?

The first thing we need to do is understand the mental health issues that LGBT teens face. According to the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) climate survey, many LGBT students reported not feeling safe at school [3]. This feeling of not being safe can lead to negative effects on school performance [3]. Many LGBT students also reported hearing negative and discriminatory language at school, and when this language was reported to teachers and other adults, nothing happened [3]. There was also a large number of LGBT students in the report who said that they experienced verbal and even physical harassment [3]. For these students, school was an unsafe place.

63% of the students in the study reported experiencing depression or anxiety [3]. Read that again. 63% of the students in the study experienced depression or anxiety. According to a report by the Trevor Project, 39% of the youth they surveyed seriously considered suicide [4]. These rates are higher than straight youth [5]. LGBT youth are also more likely to develop substance abuse issues [5].

So what can we do? How can we offer help? Teen Vogue surveyed several LGBT youth and found that having allies at school is helpful [6]. Respondents stated that having an adult to confide in was helpful as was having LGBT-inclusive education [6]. Another way to help is to encourage your school personnel and administration to take bullying and discrimination seriously [3]. Take these reports seriously. Take the health of your students- all of your students- seriously. Commit to create a safe environment for all of your students regardless of sexuality and gender. Another way is to create or assist in creating an LGBT-supportive school club [3].

Finally, just listen. Listen to your teen and reserve judgment. Listen to what your teen is saying with acceptance. Your teen needs you during this time. Your teen needs your support and stability. You won’t have all the answers. No one does. But the most valuable thing you can offer your teen is your love.

[1] Walch, S., Ngamake, S., Bovornusvakool, W., & Walker, S. (2016). Discrimination, internalized homophobia, and concealment in sexual minority physical and mental health. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 3, 37-48.

[2] Russel, S., Toomey, R., Ryan, C., & Diaz, R. (2014). Being out at school: The implications for school victimization and young adult adjustment. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 84 (6), 635-643.

[3] Kosciw, J., Greytak, E., Zongrone, A., Clark, C., & Truong, N. (2018). The 2017 national school climate survey: The experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth in our nation’s schools. New York: GLSEN.

[4] The Trevor Project (2019). National Survey on LGBTQ mental health. New York, New York: The Trevor Project.

[5] Fiorellini, N. (2019, September 3). What it’s like to be out as LGBTQ at school. Teen Vogue. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/what-its-like-to-be-out-as-lgbtq-at-school

For Parents: Make your talks more effective

For many parents, having “talks” about problems with their kids almost always end in a fight and often time the child ends up missing the whole point. I’ve listed below a few ways to make your talks more effective.


1. Stay focused on the main thing

Let’s say you find out your high school student has received some negative feedback from a teacher in their math class. There have been other issues going on as well before this including irresponsible money spending, isolation issues and them fighting with you. When it’s time to have the “talk” about this feedback from the teacher, it is important not to bring in everything else that is frustrating you about their behavior. Obviously, you see that there are other issues going on and the temptation is to say “get it together” in regards to ALL of it.

The problem is that when we as parents bring in other grievances to the conversation, the child is likely to feel overwhelmed and attacked and then shut down. Are the other issues legitimate? Sure but that doesn’t mean we bring them all to the table at once.

2. Empathize and validate

This next part will require some serious listening skills and will require you to be calm. Are you mad? If so, go talk it out and get calm. If you can’t get calm, how will you help them stay calm? In order to empathize you will need to ask, not demand, about the feedback your child has received. My suggestion would be to take some time and go on a drive (your child cant escape while you’re driving) and pick up some food, ice cream, etc. Empathizing means understanding what they must be feeling - however, you need to give them the opportunity to explain that even if you already think you know.

Validating means assuring them that the way they are feeling is understandable and makes sense. “I would feel that way too if…” “That’s understandable since you said….” “I think what you’re saying is…. and that makes sense to me”.

3. Know your role

Your role in this discussion is to listen, stay calm, and provide either comfort, grace or encouragement. Your child may try to steer the conversation to blame “the teacher is terrible” “you never leave me alone so how could I study” “well you’re the one who…”. This is an attempt to deflect from taking responsibility. The temptation for parents will be to get mad and turn the guilt factor up or bulldoze the argument. But what your child needs from you is to stay calm and redirect back to the facts.

The most important takeaway - stay calm and stay focused

Recognizing the WHY behind passive actions

One of the best accomplishments I can have with a client is helping them achieve their goals. However, the road to an achieved goal is often filled with struggle along the way. Many times a goal will be set in a session and not be achieved by the next few sessions. This is very common.

When a goal is not met, the next move is to help my client understand what actions they chose INSTEAD of working towards the goal. Often times with teenagers, the decision or indecision making process is a blur and not viewed as a choice. However, all of our actions whether ASSERTIVE or PASSIVE are choices that were made. 

For example

A client who has struggled all semester in Math is depressed and frustrated. His parents are also frustrated and have spoken to him about studying, paying attention and trying harder until they are blue in the face. In the session, the client and I will talk about his goals: taking notes, staying after school for extra help, and doing homework. Then at the next session the client's parents report that he only went to one after school session, missed his homework several times and don't believe he really studied for a test he almost failed. 

At this point, most parents will RAMP UP the punishments and let the emotions fly. This is a normal reaction and understandable, but often ineffective. 

Passive and active actions

Let's take a look at the actions of the teenage client instead of focusing on what he did not do. Instead of staying after school for extra help every day of the week, the teen chose to be with his friends. Instead of doing his difficult homework at home he played video games and spent time on his phone. Instead of putting in time preparing for the test he did not make it a priority and acted as if he had nothing important in the coming days. 

This could easily be viewed by parents in a single prism; "he disobeyed and chose not to do what we told him to do." This is not inaccurate but it's typically not going to answer the WHY behind the actions. If you asked your teen why he disobeyed, the answer isn't because he was trying to disobey you. The disobedience is a byproduct, not the motivator (typically). 

Now here's where we look at the WHY behind the passive actions. A) Trying very hard and failing feels much worse than putting in zero effort and failing. (Fear of failure) B) Video games, friends, and distractions help the teen FEEL better. (Ease the pain) C) The teen does not believe he really can do it no matter how hard he tries. (False beliefs) 

Once we isolate the WHY behind the passive actions we can typically help the teen come face to face with them; the fear of failure, the need to ease the pain and the false beliefs. 

Typically, your child does not know the why behind his passive actions or even recognize his passive actions at all. Start there and your child will begin putting together the pieces by himself. 
 

Writing down homework and staying organized

For many parents of teens, August is a *wonderful* time that ends summer boredom and ushers in a new world. Parents on Facebook often post hilarious pictures of them drinking champagne at the bus stop or jumping for joy in front of their embarrassed children. 

For others, there is the worry that school will be an endless cycle of nagging, procrastination, near-failure, and fighting. I feel you. No one wants that. So here's my two part advice for basic organization: 

1.  Have a system for writing down homework/tests/projects. You and I BOTH have been trying to convince teenagers that if they don't write something down they will forget. 

And since they're attached to their phones anyway, why not use technology to our advantage? Here are 3 apps that are awesome and helpful for students to use to help stay organized. 

The Homework App

 myHomework Student Planner

Class Timetable

2. Work on homework immediately after getting home.

Once a student has a routine they can go back to every single day for every class I recommend they spend 60 to 90 minutes at home at the dining room table or some place that is NOT THEIR ROOM where they can work in public. I also recommend that homework gets done right away after getting home, otherwise the tasks or projects can feel daunting after dinner or late at night. 

If they WORK right away at home from say 4:30 to 6, then they will get rewarded with PLAY after. See what I did there? WORK first, then PLAY. That's the main lesson we're trying to sneak into their brains. 

Why do I recommend working at the dining room table? A) It lets Mom and Dad know that their child is actually working, which should lead to less nagging/worrying/accusations. B) It's much harder to fall asleep at the table than on a bed. Also, a person's sleep patterns are typically healthier when they only use their bed for sleeping and not for lounging or working. 

5 things to consider after residential treatment

Coming home after residential treatment is never an easy process. The return is often filled with excitement and nervousness for everyone involved. Here are a few things to think about as your loved one transitions home. 

1. Outpatient treatment is a great way to help ease the transition. Many residential facilities have outpatient programs that include group therapy and bi-weekly appointments. 
    
2. Coming home might be scary or strange. Often times families will experience a strong resistance from their loved ones because they don't want to go to a residential facility. However, the same may be true as they are ready to leave. Sometimes the idea of coming home and going back to work or school may be even more daunting. Most schools will allow for students to come back at their own pace. 
    
3. Prepare your home accordingly. If your loved one is coming home from a recent suicide attempt, removing guns or any other weapons will be a must. It is likely that your treatment center has already spoken to you about a “safety plan” for their recovery. It is imperative that you follow the safety plan! 
    
4. Recovery is an on-going process. It is very important for therapy to continue after being discharged from a residential facility. It has been well documented that there is a higher risk for suicide attempts following discharge from a mental hospital. 
    
5. It’s an adjustment for everyone. Your son, daughter, husband or brother may be the one who stayed in a facility, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be involved in therapy. Family counseling, couples counseling, etc are all great for everyone and not just “the patient”. 

If you or a loved one is coming home from residential treatment and would like help with the transition please reach out to me and I would be happy help. 

Should I make my son go to therapy?

Should I make my son go to therapy?

It’s never an easy decision to make. 

Honestly, I don’t have a clear answer for you on whether you should or should not make your son go to therapy. I think it very much depends on the situation. If you’re concerned about self harm or suicide, then the answer is pretty clear; yes. (1800-273-8255 is the suicide hotline)

How it happens

Often times the situation plays out like this: concerned parents see some red flags, discussions are had with the other parent, then they decide to wait and see what happens. Weeks later or sometimes years later the parents see more red flags and this time they’re a little more scary. Parents talk about the idea of therapy with each other and bring it up to their son, thinking that he might be interested. And in some cases they are met with overwhelming defiance and opposition. Then the new discussion becomes “SHOULD I make my son go to therapy if he doesn’t want to go?” instead of asking does he NEED to go to therapy?.

All reasonable questions and concerns. 

I get it. The non-therapist in me understands some of the tensions and questions that come with the idea of therapy. Questions like: What if he hates going and it’s a fight to make him go every time? What if therapy causes even more tension in the family? What if he tries to convince the therapist that we’re bad parents? Or what if it’s not really a big deal and we’re just overreacting? Can he even get better if we force him to go? What if he doesn’t say anything the whole time and we have to pay for the session?

I could answer each one of those scenarios for you, but that would make for a very long blog post. The reality is that what most often happens is that he comes in to see me for a session and usually realizes it’s not that bad, he actually enjoys it and we talk about the presenting issue or some combination of the three. 

Your son wants to be understood

In short, I think usually teenage boys usually need a little push. But eventually, if they really don’t like therapy or feel like it’s not helping, then they won’t continue coming. More often then not though, they’ll keep coming because they want to be understood, just like all people want to be understood. And often times, teens also want to understand themselves as well. 

If you are ready to make the next step, you can schedule a free 15 minute phone call by clicking here. 

Goal blockers for teens - Part 1

Most parents know there can be a MILLION reasons why a child thinks he was unable to reach a particular goal. However, these are typically the ones I see in my office and are often associated with the teen years. 

1. "I can’t." (I’m not good enough, I'm not smart enough, etc.)
2. Blaming others
3. Chaotic family life
4. "I don't care." (Apathy, depression)

“I can’t."

The first is simply a disbelief in self, which is extremely common with teens. And the reason is simple; teens have typically not conquered many battles as of yet, so their confidence can be low. That’s okay! It’s extremely normal for a 15 or 16 year old to feel as though they are unable to ask a girl on a date, get into the college they want, or even just voice their concern to an adult. However, please be aware that these are all opportunities for them to take on the challenge. Please do not rescue your kids from a chance to overcome the odds. (Especially if the odds seem daunting!)

This is their time to face the dragon (metaphorically of course). The cool thing about facing a metaphorical dragon (as opposed to a real dragon) is that even if they lose and fight bravely, you can still be proud of their bravery! Your child may have trouble being proud of a lost fight, but you can still be proud for them. 

“Blaming” 

Blaming is very common for teens (and everyone) but if it becomes ingrained in their behavior it can eventually become a dangerous cycle. Blaming is the easiest way to protect one’s self from failure and for teens is often directed towards: parents, teachers, siblings, society, or simply "life" as a whole. Don’t let the blame settle on someone else unless it truly is someone else’s fault. Eventually, teens will NEED to be able to distinguish whether they or someone else is to blame for a failed aspiration or project. And if they are convinced everything else is someone else’s fault then they won’t know when that’s true or not. 

Don't forget, it's easy for us parents to put the blame on others instead of our kids (or ourselves) too!

Setting Goals with your kids

As another school year begins, it’s important to help your child understand what they hope to accomplish through the form of goals. If your teen is anything like me when I was their age, I had zero interest in creating any kind of goals. The reason for not having goals was simple; no goals meant no failures! Obviously, this is not a great way to approach life. 

So how do you help your teen create goals? 

1. Start with self awareness. You can’t figure out where you need to go if you don’t know where you are. 
2. Their goals should be realistic. 
3. Their goals should come from them or be collaborative. This isn’t a list of goals for what YOU want. This is their own goals for what they want. 
4. Create a long term reward and then encourage along the way. Yes, you can reward your child with money for making all A’s. However, I’d encourage some more creative rewards. 

The main point to all of this is that you are helping your teen think about a particular timeframe and desired outcome. 

The reason thinking about a timeframe and desired outcome is important is because it helps the teen to realize their actions have a direct affect on the outcome. ACTIONS = CONSEQUENCES. This is a basic principle for us as adults whereby we take responsibility for our failures. Or at least I hope so!

I often will process with a teen what they wanted, what they expected, and what actions they took that either helped them or hurt their chances of achieving their goal. 

Do you have any creative rewards for your teen when they accomplish a goal?

Isolation and Boredom

What happened to boredom?

Okay I’m not all that old. I’m 32. I was born in 1985 which makes me still fairly young in terms of technology and the age of childhood boredom. When I was bored as a kid I had to either create, imagine, read, or go outside and do whatever it is we used to do outside. Which often times, was be bored outside. Or be bored with the neighborhood kids. 

Don’t get me wrong. I played a lot of video games growing up. I would usually play them with friends, switching off trying to get past a certain level. And legitimately, we could play them for a very, very, long time. But after a certain point I would always hit a wall and want something different. Or, often times Mom or Dad would make me quit playing. 

Boredom in the age of personal technology is very different; it doesn’t really exist. There are currently 819,417,600 hours of video on youtube. 819,417,600 hours equals 34,142,400 days. 34,142,400 days equals 93,540 years. On top of that, 300 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube every minute. I’m not so good at Math, so I’m going to stop there and just assume that you get the picture. Lots of videos + bored teens isolating = zombie teens watching video game walkthroughs of other people playing video games at 2am. I will never understand watching someone else playing video games either. Maybe I actually am old. 

Anyway, my point is that boredom used to be difficult. It used to be BORING. It used to be an indication that you were lacking something. It meant that not having a plan, a goal, a project, or a person to hang out with was very unsatisfying and unstimulating. Which would then provoke some kind of action or at the very least, a feeling. I like to think that feelings, or emotions are like a compass which gives us an indication of how we are doing. 

What kind of feeling does boredom most closely resemble? Any guesses? Sadness. Boredom, for many is the precursor to sadness. Be bored long enough and you will feel sad. 

Alright, so if boredom is the precursor to sadness, then does that sadness get quenched by watching YouTube reviews of the Top Ten Plastic Chairs of all time? Well, yes and no, weirdly enough. Because the Top Ten Plastic Chairs of All Time is surprisingly entertaining, it does fulfill an immediate need to fill the temporary void of boredom. HOWEVA - “Temporary" is the key component in that sentence. And that temporary fill is without much actual human/relational/soul nutrition.  

Think of soul nutrition as akin to body nutrition. Technically, you could eat only crackers for days on end. You could eat them in the morning until you were full, you could eat them at night. You could eat Saltines when you feel sick and it would work out perfectly! Eventually though, you would probably get some kind of Oregon Trail-type disease we don’t get anymore.

To nourish your soul you'll need a whole range of emotional, spiritual, and relational stimulation. Such as joy, friendship, sadness, frustration, solitude, fear, overcoming fear, vulnerability, rejection, acceptance, challenge, friendship,  love, romance, boredom, just to name a few!